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Here come all the feelings (All at once)
47 replies
DaminehGessle said on May 22, 2003 18:17:
I am sitting here all alone, in an office, at the computer working my arse off. It gets very tiring at times. I decide to print out a copy of Per’s new song: Här kommer alla känslorna [på en och samma gång]. It’s a nice song. Memories come and go and I’m going insane trying to focus on my project. You know what this song reminds me of?? ‘Love doesn’t live here anymore’! It could be cause of the train station! We don’t get on the train here in Vancouver! I know they do in Sweden so there we go. We have boats, ferries and anything’s got to do with Ocean, water basically!
Oh I forgot why I started this. My stomach is making weird noises. An hour away from lunchtime!
This song (the translation ofcourse) reminds me of the one and only person I have ever loved. TDR might not be the place to open up to my feelings but who gives a damn? I don’t know you. You don’t know me and we all share the love for Roxette. I can open up, right??
I had an amazing past, beautiful. My world was beautiful, colourful and full of love: Love for nature, family and friends, mankind and my planet Earth. Loving a man was never an issue for me due to the fact that I wasn’t old enough. As I grew older, my world got uglier. My grandma died, my family moved to Canada and then last year my other grandma died. These were all shocking and sad and have changed my life forever. But none of them ever hurt me as bad as he did.
When my grandma died, she took everything with her. She was this healthy woman, very active and neat. Next thing you know, she had cancer. They did an operation on her, taking out all the intestines, everything she had inside. And yes, she died a few days later, a little after they told her she was fine and would be out of the hospital the next day! I had never seen my dad cry to that day when we found out she had cancer. She died and she took everything with her. After her death, my aunt and her family moved to New Zealand, we moved to Canada and that was the end of having relatives for me. Sometimes I blame her for dying, for my life will never be the same after her.
My entire life changed when I moved to Canada. I was this smart, bright, athletic, artistic little kid, popular in my hometown. I’d already proven myself to family and friends. Not that I care whether anyone approves me but hey, we all need that assurance every once in a while. When I moved here, no one knew me. I had to start from 0! ZERO! What a nightmare! I was able to get my grip together and get back on my feet, going on as I always did. I admire myself for that.
My mom’s mom died last year. That was a horrible horrible experience. Her death destroyed me in and out. She was the most innocent, quiet, softhearted person you could ever meet in life. My mom has changed a lot since last year. Everyone’s life has been affected by this tragedy. Just like my other grandma’s death. May she rest in peace as I know she will.
So yeah things will never be the same.
As I was saying, all these tragedies none have affected my life as much as HE did. He came to my life, took my breath away, and left. I don’t want to make this a teen-diary thread. No! And I am not another girl who falls in love with every guy she meets or commits suicide after her boyfriend leaves her or I dunno, soap opera!
But yeah… I’ve been a little miss sorrow ever since. Why I brought up Per’s new song and Love doesn’t live here??? Oh well… after him, I used to go sit by the ocean for hours and hours at night while my friends were getting drunk to get laid. I would sit by the ocean and cry till the sun came out, go home so that noone would realize I was gone for the night and would still carry my smile. It’s like Queen’s song. The show must go on. It’s funny cause noone ever knew what was going on inside of me. Everyone thinks I am the happiest girl alive not knowing what is within me. Maybe cause I don’t expose anyone to my feelings?!?!?
It’s been 2 years and 8 months since he’s gone. We’re still friends but those feelings, they come all at once, all at once. They have been coming all at once for almost 3 years now. I sit by the ocean, freezing on a rainy day sitting on a rock and there they go, all the feelings at once. Yes everything has an end. I placed him in my dream I should have never dreamt of. All those dreams fell from hell like a broken balloon. And there they went, all my feelings at once. Where are you??? Once can wonder when the hours go. It’s like eternity without him. And I still pretend I am fine. I don’t know why. Love hasn’t been living here for long now. I don’t regret the experience but hey… it hurts. It’s like I carry the weight of the world. Things will never be the same. For I loved you and you’ll never be mine.
PS. This might not make sense at all. I didn’t re-read it. I just wrote down my feelings!!
DaminehGessle said on May 22, 2003 18:51:
Thank you. Although now that I read it, there were so many other things in my mind when I started the thread haha.
harriej said on May 22, 2003 19:23:
Damineh: You are a great girl, daring to share this with us! Looks like you have had your share of bad things, but I think you are a strong girl and become even stronger!
Shane said on May 22, 2003 22:08:
Damineh - you are very good at expressing your feelings - you should be a writer. Your thoughts remind me of a Belinda Carlisle song - The Lonliness Game:
She could have anything
But still she’s down
The happiness that means everything
Is not around
On the outside
It looks like a perfect world
Inside I know what you’re thinking
She’s too pretty to be sad
She’s too rich to cry
She’s no different
She’s just the same
No one’s left out of this loneliness game
She can’t find her way out of the loneliness game
No she can’ find love
Pearls don’t mean a thing
When love’s not there
No gold or diamond rings
Can stop the tears
From the outside
You couldn’t feel her pain
Inside I know what you’re thinking
She’s too pretty to be sad
She’s too rich to cry
She’s no different
She’s just the same
No one’s left out of this loneliness game
She can’t find her way out of the loneliness game
She lies awake at night
Alone in silence
She reaches for the light
And waits for guidance…….
DaminehGessle said on May 22, 2003 22:31:
Or dear God,
Would you believe me if I say there are tears in my eyes after reading this??? BEAUTIFUL SHANE BEAUTIFUL!
Thank you harriej.
I am not sure if I’m a good girl. I believe the environment I grew up in has had a direct effect on my personality. My parents are both artists and so I grew up in an artistic environment while the society I grew up in did not give artistic life much chance. I should better say our world doesn’t give emotions much chance these days. People prefer money and power over love and friendship. That saddens me. I look at people these days and damn everyone’s fake!! There is no point in talking to even my girlfriends about love or emotions, war or crime.
Shane: there is this Mariah Carey song named “ Looking In“. That used to me make me cry cause it was me! But your song oh man!!! That was awesome.
You told me I should become a writer. Well I used to write every day. Guess to whom? It started with: Hello Per… Heh! He was my Daddy Long Legs if you have ever read the book or seen the cartoon. Yes I still write and I guess it sounds even better than when I was 13. It’s too late to change my career path, as I am no where near becoming an artist or a writer. I will definitely write a book one day for sure definitely if I live long enough. I just say what I believe in. That isn’t very hard to do :).
DaminehGessle said on May 23, 2003 05:09:
Shane: Do you happen to have the mp3 to the song?? and if yes, is there any way I can get it from you? I couldn’t find it on kazaa!
Shane said on May 23, 2003 21:31:
Damineh - I do not have an mp3 but will look into it. You might be a bit surprised when you hear it - it is rather upbeat. If you do not listen to the words, you would probably think it is a fun pop song.
DaminehGessle said on May 23, 2003 22:18:
Actually I have heard so many up-beat songs that are sad in meaning! I am used to it :).
Jackie_Radiorox said on May 24, 2003 00:24:
I think because as an artist it is more fun and dramatic to write breakup songs... they tend to come quicker. At least that is my problem. The last... 4 songs I’ve done are like sad songs or not so nice songs but with a rock beat to them. Not the typical bring out the acoustics and sad violins type of stuff. ;)
Jackie_Radiorox said on May 25, 2003 04:23:
No shedding tears... more like “Ooooh damn!! yea! Those lyrics sounded good together... sad, but good!’ :)
harriej said on May 25, 2003 19:30:
Damineh: Can I sign up for your book (I am NOT joking!). I really think you are saying things in a way that catches other people (it catches me at least).
DaminehGessle said on May 26, 2003 01:57:
lol harriej they called me some .... cunt in the other thread. How cool is that? lol!
thank you for showing your interest. Wow I am flattered. I am no writer but I will definitely write a book one day. There’s been so many things going in my life that I really need to give them out.
powerpoplarry said on May 27, 2003 04:22:
Hey Damineh, I’m following Harriej’s lead, I’d like to sign up for your book as well...I’ve been tempted to write one myself, a coupla people have encouraged me to do so, so one day, one might get written...thinking of ideas... ;-D
DaminehGessle said on May 27, 2003 17:17:
Oh wow larry that’s cool! I will buy yours and you will buy mine ;)
I was watching the NEWS last night. Wow everything is messed up everywhere hah. Earthquake in Japan, SARS all over, Madcow and now they seem to want to start the war with Iran. Messed up world. And I’ve been feeling very sick lately. My hands go numb. My heart beats so fast I can hear it at times. I hope I can live long enough to publish my book :D
Oh by the way did I tell you? My picture is on spooky’s site although I couldn’t get on the picture page.
I feel like writing another story for you guys. One of those filled with my feelings. Lets see how boring work gets today.
DaminehGessle said on May 27, 2003 17:34:
I haven’t been sleeping well the past few nights. I am constantly rolling in bed, feel very hot at times and get up all of a sudden. I seem to be a very healthy person and have no idea what’s going wrong inside.
My alarm goes off at 5:20AM every morning. I have been up an hour before my alarm goes off since yesterday. This morning, I woke up at 4:30AM crying in my sleep. That’s really odd since I try to keep quite at all times. Fortunately, my parents didn’t wake up.
I had a dream; a nightmare I can call it. I was in a forest with many other people. They were not related by any chance: Some of my work colleagues, a few of my classmates, relatives and close friends! There were a few houses and these people were all outside talking and I was walking in the forest talking to them one by one. I walked through these people. The final destination was a wooden house: very classic, one of those you don’t even see in the villages these days.
My grandmother was standing by this house smiling as always. I told her: “ I thought you passed away.” And started crying. She was trying to calm me down by smiling and telling me that everything would be fine. I kept on crying. That’s when I woke up.
I remember when my dad’s mom (mommy) passed away. I used to feel her right beside me when I was in the bathroom or in my room. Everyone says I look just like her. Her death changed my life forever. I never thought any other person’s death would once again change my life until my mom’s mom (Tete) passed away. I cannot feel Mommy’s presence anymore. It’s a sad feeling. I want to feel her presence once again but seems like Tete has taken her place now.
I sometimes wish there were no such thing as death. Death tears us apart. Some say you have to die once you are born. I don’t believe in that. Sometimes I even wish we could all die at once. That’s very selfish of me to say that but I strongly wish it could be. Then, none of us would ever loose anyone. We all die at the same time. I don’t have to see my family’s death, neither do you!
So yeah last night my grandmother came to my sleep. I don’t know what that means since she comes to my mom’s sleep every night. I hope it’s something good. I feel protected when she is with me.
May God bless the deads’ souls.
DaminehGessle said on May 27, 2003 18:49:
It’s summer out and very cold in the office. I just remembered something:
Whatever comes to you in life, it is your share in life. If you complain, it means you are begging life and begging shows your weakness. The more you beg, the weaker you become and the harder life steps on you.
Some say God is the only force you can beg. I believe God resides in my soul; therefore, my soul is the only force I can beg. The more I beg my soul through complaining about every little thing that’s not going my way, the weaker I feel inside. I lose the beauty of living once I start running the downhill road. The faster I run, the sooner I lose and the less beauty I feel surrounded with.
That I believe in and for that, I treasure strength. I treasure strong people and I believe they beautify my world.
powerpoplarry said on May 28, 2003 06:12:
You’re beautiful, Damineh!! Really, you are!! I feel grateful just knowing you,a nd no, I don’t complain either, I get frustrated yes, but I don’t complain. I just try to forge forward and live life to the fullest, be strong.
Oh, your dreams with your grandmother, could be your soul talking, and yes, it is proof your Mommy is still with you, and will be forever...I wish I could remember my dreams forever, but I rarely have nightmares...
BTW, I saw your picture, you’re really pretty, as lovely as your writing... :-)
DaminehGessle said on May 28, 2003 06:32:
(*^_^*)
I am flattered. Thank you :P.
Can you give me the address to the site? I have lost it.
Woof I will write tomorrow. It’s 11:35 and I gotta get up at 520 in the morning :(. Poor me!
powerpoplarry said on May 28, 2003 06:48:
Your welcome, Damineh, I only stated the truth... ;-) Um, oh yeah, here is the website addy:
http://tdrmembers.tripod.com/Fans.html
Have a good sleepy...I need some myself ;-P
DaminehGessle said on May 28, 2003 15:44:
How come you haven’t submitted your pictures? It’s so different to talk to people you know what they look like. You can easily imagine them at all times ;)
powerpoplarry said on May 29, 2003 08:27:
I did, Damineh!! :-( Spooky still hasn’t posted them on the site, sniff. It’s been months since I emailed them to her, and I’ve been bugging her about it lately...believe me, I want you to see my pic...
DaminehGessle said on May 29, 2003 21:22:
I wish I could be in New York this June. They’re having Queen’s Hall of Fame ceremony. I attended their ceremony at Hollywood when they had their star in walk of fame. I had the best time of my life. Brian May kissed me on the forehead and I shook hands with Roger Taylor. IT couldn’t get better. And ofcourse we all partied all night. I actually wish I could meet Per someday :(. And oh Freddie… But he is dead! So :|
Yeah so I wish I were in New York. Damn! I would have loved to be there and get whatever they sell at the door Queen related! Akhhhhhhhhh
DaminehGessle said on June 7, 2003 17:14:
Hey
I have been away for quite some time I guess. This thread had jumped into the 2nd page. What’s up larry?
powerpoplarry said on June 8, 2003 05:26:
HEY Damineh!! ;-) What’s up with me?? Nuttin much, thank you for asking. ;-) Um, well, just saw X2 tonight, and it was stupendous!! Next weekend, I’m going to London for my brother’s wedding, where I am the best man, woohoo!! My first time outta North America, just got my passport for the first time, yay!!
AND, check this out!! I went to the city yesterday, nice day to be there actually, no rain, sun was out, people were out, everything. Anyhoo, I went to see this band I’m friends with, called The Everyothers, check em out on www.everyothers.com, I’ve known them for the past 3 years. Well, they just got signed to a new small label called Haut Lab. Turns out Sony proper or Sony Red Ink, the indie division, are in talks to distribute the label, all because of the EOs. Now, at the show, I unexpectedly met the 2 A+R people at the label, and they want me to work with them!!! Soooo, I might be working for Haut Lab, before the band and label both blow up big!! They just opened up a NY office too, in midtown on the west side. I would be involved with the website, possibly setting up a messageboard, like this one but not as big, LOL!! Anyhoo, they played SXSW and got seriously noticed, a coupla UK majors are interested as well, like Sony UK!!! And, their first full-length CD is finished, mixed and mastered. It was produced by Tim O’Heir, who has worked with Everclear, and most recently, the All American Rejects. Sooo, things look great. The timing is perfect really, Sam Ash just let me go. It was the stock department, which was a blah job anyway, and I didn’t get along with the guys, except for this 1 cool kid, down there at all!! HOWEVER, I got on well with everyone else in the store and the store managers themselves (they are separate from stock, who knows why), and they were sad to see me go, soooo I inquired about sales positions, as I’m better in that anyway, and Mike, the hiring person is considering hiring me back in sales when a position opens up, could be soon. So, I didn’t leave on a bad note with Sam Ash itself, just the crappy stock department. I’m not upset at all. Bigger and better things are on their way with me anyway.
Well, now, what’s up with you Damineh?? ;-)
DaminehGessle said on June 9, 2003 17:56:
Well I tried to post threads but everything has changed within a few days that I don’t know where the previous threads went!!
I am fine. It was very sunny all week last week and ofcourse I was working all week. I could only swim after work which was still sunny out there but windy. Anyways, I was so excited for the weekend. I had people over on Saturday and was in the pool from 10AM till 8PM. Well it was fine in the water but my entire body was severely burnt. Oh my god. You could feel the heat from a metre of me. It was horrible. I was sick all day yesterday and couldnt move much. I finally went to the doctor last night and she said people die from heat exhaustion and mine was followed by burns. So I didnt go to work this morning. I will be home away from the heat! It sucks! Couldn’t suck more!!!
powerpoplarry said on June 9, 2003 18:04:
Dang Damineh!! I am sooo sorry!! :-( Heat exhaustion and sunburns really suck, I know. You should definitely take it easy and put lots of cream on to sooth your burns. One question, why didn’t you put on sunscreen?? Cuz you were in the pool all day?? If yes, good reason, but still, that really sucks. I’m glad you are OK though, sick but recovering. Yes take it easy, yes I care. ;-)
DaminehGessle said on June 10, 2003 05:40:
Well yeah it’s sucking big time. I hope I don’t get fevers! That would be bad! I am tired all the time and drink lots of water ofcourse which makes me pee every 10 minutes heehee.
Oh! I never put on sunscreen. To be honest with you, I never believed in sunscreen. I have never used it. I am literally a fish and fish don’t need sunscreen. But yeah thanks to God, he got me this time. The funny thing is that every half an hour or so, I would look up the sky and thank god for the water and the sun! He apparently was laughing at me at that moment!
powerpoplarry said on June 10, 2003 05:53:
Hey I hope you are feeling better. ;-) Just hang in there, and in time, things will be OK. I’m with you constantly. Think of me holding your hand, helping to ease your pain, etc. Yes, keep drinking water, OJ, and other liquids, even though you’re constantly going to the bathroom, LOL!! In one end and out the other, eh?? WHOOOSH!! I’m hoping you don’t get any fevers, and yes, get lots of sleep.
Um, what?? You never believed in sunscreen?? Wow, I guess you don’t burn so easily!! Me, I only use it when I know I will be out lounging by a pool or at the beach, under the hot hot sun. Otherwise I am covered, and many times, if it is hot, and I am outside, I will wear a hat to protect my head. You’re a fish, eh?? So if I take you in my arms, you would slp and slide your way out then?? LOL!! ;-P No, I am not religious, and I don’t believe in God, but I am openminded to the possibility of there BEING a God. I mean, I’d rather believe in life on other planets because they likely do exist, while the concept of God, and all it is is a concept, has yet to be scientifically proven. I need proof to belive, that’s all, I don’t blindly follow. I guess I have to see for myself, that’s all. Don’t take it the wrong way Damineh, that’s very cool you belive, I guess you had a spiritual awakening or something. It has yet to happen to me. You have a brilliant outlook on life though, and I dig your views. Yep, maybe the force was NOT with you that time, DOH!!!
DaminehGessle said on June 11, 2003 06:53:
Larry: I was trying to write my philosophy on God but then felt like I wasn’t writing enough so I closed the window. I will write you what I really feel tomorrow. Just to let you know, my God is nothing like anyone else’s. I don’t believe in that greater power who lives up there. I have had too much coffee tonight. I should have been asleep by now. Maybe I should write how I feel towards God.
To me, God is a light in everyone’s soul. It’s not even a light. It could be a thing. It could be just a feeling. Or simply a light. A person maybe. Someone I choose to be my guidance.
Once my God was Per. Believe it or not. I’d never met Per. I just knew there was this guy I loved and I did everything I loved to get to him. I played the piano 2 hours a day just to be the best so that I could compete with him. I played tennis hours and hours just to beat him. I dunno... In some ways, he was someone who pushed me towards my goals without me noticing.
Then I found out Per was just a name. That thing, that force that pushed me to be better at what I did was my innerself, my soul. I realized being a good humanbeing doesnt necessarily mean I should be the best at school, at playing piano, tennis or swimming. I decided to never lie, cheat, or hurt anyone. I decided to help people around me in whatever way I could. And to me, my God was the force inside me that pushed me to be a better person.
God is just something we base our faiths on. I have faith in me and nothing else. I have faith in me cause I know I can do what I want to do with MY help. and at the end, my God is MYSELF, MY INNER SELF.
I believe in aliens. I believe in life on other planets. In fact as you have read earlier, I was always searching for life on other planets to save the poor from the Earth. So I guess that goes a little beyond what other people believe in and this theory changes the whole Adam and Eve, God and Apple story.
It’s 11:54pm and way past my bedtime. I don’t think I have said what I really mean but I hope you can conclude what I really meant by saying what I just said :D.
powerpoplarry said on June 11, 2003 07:58:
Yes I can Damineh, from what you said. You’re brilliant, that’s all I have to say. ;-D
derek said on June 12, 2003 20:39:
hey Damineh this may sound cold but you will have to let go and begin to live again ok and i know what im talking about after being married twice and that is something you dont get over to quickly but i managed i made it and i dont have any regrets and i have 3 wonderfull children what more could i ask for. live my friend because we all only get one chance for that so make the most of it
DaminehGessle said on June 13, 2003 05:33:
derek: Actually believe it or not, I am a happy person. I always have a smile on my face no matter what and I am a lucky person all in all. I try to be the best at whatever I do, have a great family, and what more can I ask for when I have two feet to walk with and a heart that beats? ;) I am a bit too emotional I admit and have never regreted anything I’ve done. It’s just that my feelings would never go for people that have been involved in my life.
Larry: ;)! Email me boy!
derek said on June 13, 2003 18:24:
yea Damineh your right as long as we can breath and see this beautifull world of ours everyday what more do we need you are a deep person if you want to talk let me know
DaminehGessle said on June 14, 2003 01:44:
:D
So itchy I am! I’m peeling hah ;)
Damn!
Well it’s clouding and raining here... Feels weird! I wrote stuff at work today. I will write them later.
Aaso said on June 14, 2003 13:16:
Damineh, I always think about your writings both in Farsi and English are great :D
PS: check International forum. I wrote it before reading this :D
DaminehGessle said on June 14, 2003 17:48:
Thank you aaso :D.
You know some times when my feelings overflow, I just get tired of them. It’s like I have all the feelings in the world here in my little heart and it hurts sometimes. My heart feels like it needs to explode. So I write.
In an engineer/scientist world, feelings don’t count much. I know I’ll get criticized for this, but I stay firm on my beliefs.
I will check the International. Have you heard from Yashar?
derek said on June 15, 2003 11:43:
feelings makes us who we are. without them this world is a very cold place
DaminehGessle said on June 15, 2003 18:44:
ally what? Are you high my friend? Hah
Aaso eh?? Dead? lol! I see what’s going on in Tehran on tv these days. Hope the stupid regime goes down big time.
Derek yeah but sometimes they hurt more than building up a personality.
derek said on June 15, 2003 20:34:
we create our own personalities to suit who we are and how we want others to see us and of cause some feelings hurt if they didnt then what is the point in having them. acceptance of who we are is the most important lesson and some times that lesson is bitter and hard
DaminehGessle said on June 19, 2003 05:30:
yeah thanks god I fully know myself. I used to review my daily behaviour every single night heeha! Now I don’t have time to do that anymore since I go to bed at 10 and poooof sleep till 5am... work and sh**!!! I am fortunate to know myself ;)
kachina008 said on May 22, 2003 18:45:
That was a lovely piece of writing, damineh.
we should talk.