ally77 said on November 23, 2003 08:27:

Hang on in there... it will all be worth it... I sometimes wish I could turn back the clock and return to school I would have done things so different...

zaine said on November 23, 2003 13:10:

Demineh, I’ve thought this once or twice before but you really remind me of me. or remind me of you? umm, confused but anyway. I know where you’re coming from. so yeah, I’m a fair bit younger than you, and I couldn’t drive myself to a party, but y’know. Last night I did go to a party though. yeah it was good, had fun. but I often find myself asking if there’s any point me going. I know when I get there it’ll be fine, but it often seems too tiring to bother going beforehand.
I’ll also find myself asking why I’m so weird. Why I’m me. am I who I wanted to be? am I who I think I am? I know in the long run, that being me is the best thing I can do, and I’ve realised (eventually) that my parents are proud that i am who I am. I’ve never ventured to be like anyone. It’s all good.
ummmm, I’m trying to think of a way to conclude all that, without sounding ultra patronising. hope you get the general jist of what I’m trying to say. thanks for being you though :)

kachina008 said on November 23, 2003 16:02:

hmm

been there, done that.

Embrace the weirdness. you are this way because this IS *you*. so you didn’t feel like this party. Happens all the time, big deal. maybe you are reading too much into it?

Don’t ever wish you weren’t you. Yeah, sometimes life sucks, I say to myself ” I hate my life, why can’t I have something else instead of this shit”...but the fact is that this is your life, you are you, and that is what makes you unique and special. someday you will be able to understand yourself and be proud of who you are.

remember, the only person you will ever have is youself.

kachina008 said on November 23, 2003 16:59:

anyone who doesn’t go thru this moody phase is either not very smart or lying.

MiracleMan said on November 23, 2003 19:51:

I seriously doubt that a counselor would laugh at you. That’s simply not true, that’s just you feeling your problems are unworthy of anyone else’s personal, face-to-face attention. It’s easier here because there’s a level of anonymity and safety in that distance.

A counselor would work with you to get to the root of why you made the choice NOT to go into the party, despite the fact you were there, and help you recognize when these patterns of antisocial behavior arise, why they arise, and ways to help you overcome it as well as understand it.

If you want to get past this, the next time you’re sitting in a car wondering if you really want to be there, first ask yourself why, accept it’s alright to feel that way, then bite the bullet and go in. Give yourself a time limit. Stay for ten, twenty, thirty minutes. Get a drink, something you can nurse, and stay until it’s finished.

I suspect after a bit you’ll find something, someone there to shake you out of your day and mood, and if not, you can leave. But at least you would have gone to the party, tried something else, gotten out of this routine that you’ve entrenched yourself in.

You are never alone in any feeling. It’s true by the people who’ve responded to you here, and it therefore is far more universal than you think. There’s others around you now—where you live every day—that are in a similar situation, or at least the same mindset. After a little conversation, you’ll find this is more than likely true. That contact will give you a face-to-face connection with someone who can empathize and give you support. Friendships grow from sharing like situations and problems. (Like the responses you’ve gotten here.)

Instead of beating yourself up for antisocial behavior, make a conscious effort to join in, even if it’s on the periphery, even if it’s more vicarious to begin with. Eventually—not from the beginning—you’ll be an active participant, like you are here.

But you’ve got to make it a concerted effort to grab onto an opportunity, no matter how uncomfortable it feels at first. Comfort comes with familiarity. You seem like the sort that needs to settle into things before you can relax. The most outgoing person has these feelings too, but they jump in and hope for the best. Sure there’s disappointment, but don’t confuse it and take it as a discouragement. Don’t expect anything, not the best or the worst, and you’ll be surprised with the good, but not angry at the bad. If you’re diasppointed this time, the next will be bettter.

It WILL be difficult at first, easier to escape than stay, but we grow through endurance and patience and experience.

And it’s better than staring at a mirror wondering what the hell is wrong with you.

You want to change these things in yourself, or else you wouldn’t have started this thread. So go to the next thing, and when the voice in your head tells you to go, tell it to fuck off—at least for an hour—and open the car door and GO IN.

It’s a small step, but small steps will get you there just as quickly, and this is the first step you make.

kachina008 said on November 23, 2003 20:26:

damineh: I understand...i was talking about ME hating my life etc.. ;) but I went through moods when I didn’t know why I was depressed when things were fine...I guess maybe you shouldn’t take life so seriuosly?

MM: thanks for giving me credit because I did say something “valuable”....hee hee. that made me giggle. ;)

antz said on November 24, 2003 11:22:

Girl! You have no idea how many times I have done exactly the same thing!
My big problem was I didnt have any self confidence. But Im working at that. One time I took the bus into town to meet some new friends, I was so nervous I walked back & forth past the bar, but I was too scared to go in. But I took a deep breath and pushed myself into the bar (not literaly).
As it turned out I met up with someone I had a major crush on in the past, but I never had the chance to say goodbye. But that night was my second chance I was so glad that I had made myself go into that bar.
So I guess I am saying you never know what might happen if you take the chance.
Oh and I have also learnt not to take myself and life so seriously, but i am still working on that one too.
One more thing ..maybe it was the McDonalds ice cream that made you do it!

DaminehGessle said on November 26, 2003 00:24:

antz: I was so happy after reading your reply yesterday because I feel like I am not alone!!! I have done that so many times and I still don’t know why!!! It’s like I dunno... I just like to get away from people at times even though I know I will have fun!

About taking life seriously: Back when I was very young, say 8, I decided what I wanted to be when I grow up. I always kept my words and thoughts because everyone told me it would be impossible for a girl and along the way even teachers laughed at my face. I was even more determined as time went by and I am doing it. I am still that kid who wanted to be what I still want to be. The only thing that’s changed is that I wanted to discover a planet and take poor there to save them!!! That was my big plan. Now I just want to help in any way and it just puts so much pressure on me to finish what I started. Sometimes it gets so tough. I look at myself wondering whether I chose the right path and then I look back at myself in disbelief for doubting myself!! It just gets really hard at times. I think the problem is that I don’t want to lose in any stage. That’s even harder. Cause I used to always win in anything and find my way through and now that I’m older, going easier at myself seems to be hard!!

Haha McDonald’s ice-cream. I love the vanilla cone. It feels like heaven!!!

What is the 10-line rule??

sweet_stalker57 said on November 27, 2003 06:36:

Damineh, your Hemingway type posts. I am always on the run and can’t speed read anything that condensed. :)

DaminehGessle said on December 1, 2003 05:59:

Another long story from a crazy little girl. This time not about a confused girl lost in her thoughts and feelings.

I have been very sick for the past 2 days. My brother came to Victoria from Vancouver on Friday to study with me for his finals so that I could help him. I am the big sister you know :). Anyways, I just felt very sick overnight to the point where I thought I was dying. My head was exploding and my stomach was going nuts. Saturday I slept the entire day, got up a few times, felt dizzy and passed out. So my brother took me to the doctor and he said my sinuses are infected once again and this time the infection has gone up and down and very dangerous. He’s banned me from swimming for at least 1 month. This is unbelievably hard for me to accept. So I am very behind my studyings. I am 2 days behind and that’s horrible.

So I took my brother to the ferries tonight. He’s gone and I won’t be able to see my family until my exams are over. This is the longest I haven’t seen my parents, 2 months!! Feels bad. I am happy I have them. It’s a blessing. My brother brought me all this food my mom had prepared for me. She is awesome. She hadn’t slept all night last night thinking of me. It brings tears to my eyes thinking how much I love her.

I was looking at my roommate’s photographs of her and her boyfriend. You know… I am very happy to have waited this long to find the right person. I haven’t liked anyone for the past 3 years. I dunno… Ever since my ex-boyfriend left Vancouver, I never fell for anyone. Noone has been unique enough for me to like. The shoes specially… there has only been one person I’ve liked but it took me so long to make myself believe I liked him that he is dating this girl now. So yeah I like guys who wear unique shoes. Nice Adidas would do it for me. I just don’t like typical shoes you know. I like sophistication. That might sound shallow. I am not shallow at all. I just like sophistication and nice shoes!!! I looked at those pictures and I went aaaaagh bad shoes. Every guy in those pictures was wearing bad shoes!!! And then I had this smile on my face… I am so happy to have waited 3 years for the right person. Except this guy I once liked who is dating someone now, all the other guys wear typical shoes. I will wait even longer for that right guy no matter how many more years. I am one sophisticated soul. I want someone as sophisticated or more sophisticated than myself to challenge me. And you cannot imagine how I can know one by looking at their shoes.

Aaso said on December 1, 2003 10:41:

2 sweet stalker, I have an idea for you. well you’d better to just read the first 5 and last 5. I assure you would get the idea.

harriej said on December 1, 2003 20:10:

Damineh: Nothing strange in your behaviour.
Everybody (I guess, I at least) has that sometimes, that you are sick and tired of everything and everyone and that it is getting too much.
Just go through this difficult period, it will go better in a couple of weeks, without doing anything about it.
I guess everybody gets his/her portion good and bad luck now and then, without the possibility to do something about it.

DaminehGessle said on December 2, 2003 08:30:

huh?

MiracleMan said on December 2, 2003 23:58:

@SS—of course she won’t respect you in the morning. She doesn’t respect you now.