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especially to the gays (it's something private)
40 replies
DeneB said on October 1, 2002 18:58:
thank you so much!
vaxjoe said on October 1, 2002 19:25:
dear friend,
first of all before i tell u anything else i have to tell u this....forget suicide, noone deserves that much as for u to die for him....u should always put yourself on top u are the no1 to your life noone else dont forget that....
we ve all (im gay too) gone through the anxiety when we realised we are gay...first u feel that u are different, then u think that its something wrong and dirty and then u try to bury it deep inside u
but guess what...the moment u fall in love -and we all know that the 1st love is usually very strong- it explodes and overwelms u...
u shouldnt be afraid that u re gay...u should be happy that u ve finally accepted the person u are cause now that u can be yourself 100%....and it was really sweet the way your best friend dealt with it...i had a similar situation as my best friend is straight and he was the 1st one to know
as for the guy u re in love with...i couldnt understand if hes gay or not....but no matter what u should tell him the truth....if he is straight maybe he still can be in your life as a friend (its better to have him even as a friend than not to have him at all)...if he is gay then u really have a chance...maybe thats why sometimes his attitude change...because he might be going through the same situation as u..ever thought og that? ;-)
no matter what u should go forward and tell him...only then u will find a light...as for telling other ppl , i suggest u follow my policy:i only tell those that i know they will accept im gay
and i have posted a topic in here called “queer” where all gay rox fans can talk..u ll be surprised at how many we are :)
i wanted to write u all these things in an email as its kind of private but u havent posted ur email addy anywhere....still if u want someone to talk to send me an email at
Booho said on October 1, 2002 19:37:
Dear DeneB,
I have been in a similar situation 10 years ago when I was 16, so I know very well how you feel!!!!
I never managed to tell him, and after 5 years of incredible love (hey, “Almost Unreal” is my song for this love) our ways divided without that he even knew I was gay. I hardly came close to him even. Btw, How old are you?
Until now I didn’t find any love which was any heavy like this, and I wonder if I ever will love someone like I loved him. I still even dream of him from time to time. I am not in love with him anymore, I forced myself not to think of him when it was time to say goodbye. But he always stays in my heart as a good memory, and half a year ago we met again and I am happy and proud that I could talk to him without having any feelings like love. It was so nice to talk to him after all these years, all these sleepless nights and all these years of hope and praying.
I don’t know what you can do, well, I almost told him, but I didn’t cos I was afraid that my parents could find out earlier than I would have wanted them to (now they know and are ok with it).
But if I today would fall in love with someone who I don’t know if he is gay or not.... I think I would first tell him that I am gay (not “tell”-tell him, but let him know in some indirect way). Then I will see how it all develops, if he ignores me, or whatever. The 2nd decision would be based on that. But I think I couldn’t go that far anyway :D
So.... I hope you will find your way!
vaxjoe said on October 1, 2002 19:41:
thats why i insist on him telling the other guy how he feels...cause if he doesnt he will never know how it could be
hi booho havent seen u around here :) where from?
Booho said on October 1, 2002 19:53:
Hej vaexjoe,
I’m from Köln, Germany and a not so frequent TDRie :-)
Är du från Växjö då? Jag studerar svenska! Thanks to Roxette in first place, lololol
vaxjoe said on October 1, 2002 20:00:
hi booho
im not from vaxjo and im not swedish...my best friend used to live in vaxjo so thats how i came up with this nickname ;)
im 26 also, living in Greece
DeneB said on October 1, 2002 20:02:
DeneB said on October 1, 2002 20:06:
...but there are still so many reasons against it! he doesn’t talk about gays in a friendly way etc...
DeneB said on October 1, 2002 20:08:
Booho said on October 1, 2002 20:08:
it can be a sign, yeah...
but hzaving no gf can also have other reasons... like “waiting for the right one”, religious reasons (none before marriage) or such, maybe also other things....
well, but being gay could be a reason as well.
Have you guys ever talked about girls?
Did he ever ask you “hey, how do you find this girl over there” or such?
If not, then maybe that’s another sign
vaxjoe said on October 1, 2002 20:09:
so maybe hes just scared cause he is also....i mean does he ever call them names? like nasty words?
DeneB said on October 1, 2002 20:12:
DeneB said on October 1, 2002 20:15:
DeneB said on October 1, 2002 20:23:
you are very kind, vaxjoe, but i definitely have to wait...especially when our relationship isn’t (at that time now) that good... .But i really dunno how to stand these overwhelming feelings anymore!
vaxjoe said on October 1, 2002 20:30:
i cant give u any advice on how to control your feelings unfortunately....u see im a person who lets his heart taking him wherever it wants too...
but u know what? still being in love (no matter if the other person responds or not) its a perfect feeling, the essense of this cruel world :-)
DeneB said on October 1, 2002 20:36:
...vaxjoe, you seem to be a very wise man! see ya tomorrow here ;-)))
vaxjoe said on October 1, 2002 20:41:
im not that wise hehehe “wise” involves being old :p
yeah email me whenever u feel the need
cheers
StillFar said on October 1, 2002 20:58:
DeneB, listen to vaxjoe, what he said is (surprisingly) smart. I have no idea where you live, but there is one advice I would like to give you. Meet gay people, find a gay club, a social group,…where you meet other guys who feel the way you do. This will strengthen your self confidence, will give you the chance to meet new friends and will give you a new perspective on gay life. Once you feel that community spirit, I think your present problems will somehow look way smaller.
And about the suicide thing….I guess we all go through that at one point…it’s gonna pass and it better does, because life (gay in particular ) has so much to offer!!!!!!!!
Mail me, whenever you feel like it!
@vaxjoe, how are you guy??? Will mail you soon!
vaxjoe said on October 1, 2002 21:00:
what do u mean “surprisingly” smart? :P
im the definition of brightness hehehe (only when it comes to other ppls affairs ;p )
missed u boy....love and kisses
purplemedusa said on October 2, 2002 09:36:
Sweet DenoB,
I have reserved my comments up till now as I knew that my trusty ol’ friend Vazjoe would say exactly what I’m gonna say – and he did. However, I just wanna add a few things…
Firstly, the suicide issue… this could indicate a mild case of depression. I would strongly suggest that you go and see a counsellor – preferably a psychologist as they are objective and not ideologically loaded with all sorts of bull^&$%! Do not be afraid to go and speak to a psychologist – you’ll be amazed how well you feel after a session! (and don’t accept any drugs from ‘em!!)
Secondly, as Vax so beautifully pointed out, experiencing that exhilarating feeling you call love, is in fact such a blessing. Treasure the feeling! And force that love to spill over onto other’s (and yourself). Love yourself. You are a special soul! (“…and don’t forget to smile – you never know if someone is falling in love with it!”)
The question of whether he’s gay or not – Oh my dear sweet angel, I wish I could tell you how many times I’ve played with that question. You cannot judge whether a persons gay or not by exterior attributes. Some guys (and it’s usually the one’s we fall in love with) hide it very well – to the extend that they deny themselves. Unfortunately, you cannot do anything about it – It is their road to walk, which leaves you as a friend and a person to rely on. Be grateful that you have his friendship. Keep his loyalty close to your heart. But whatever you do, be true to yourself. Stand up for yourself – especially if he utters homophobic statements! (Tell him to be more sensitive; I’m sure he wouldn’t like to hurt his friend if he knew that you were gay).
“He = gay or not?” It is also a very dangerous question! If he’s content with his current situation, and you continue with this question, you will find yourself a few years down the line still at the very same place you were before (and that you have wasted precious time on a dead-end). I will even go so far as to say that the question could induce obsessive behaviour; so, be careful in your decisions!
All you can do is be yourself and be the best friend you can be.
Many huggs!
Jud (moderator) said on October 2, 2002 10:09:
indeed meeting other gay people is helping you a lot. I was going through some hard time with myself, I am gay, i dont want to be gay what will others say, I felt strange, as if i would be the only gay out there...I also felt suicide was the only way out...
Till I decided to get in touch with the gay organisation in my town. And that was the best I could have done :)
I met great people there - who became really best friends - and all those thoughts disappeared :)
I felt I was not alone in the world anymore, I accepted myself as I am, I realised that there were people who had gone through the same as I did, .. by that time I also dared to tell more friends (till then just one knew about that), my parents, etc. and now I am happy with myself :)
About whether this guy is or not gay.. this is very difficult to say. I would first try to find out asking him about what kind of girl he likes or.. sth like this, .. sigh but this is a tough subject.
If you want, you can also email me :)
poppy_head said on October 2, 2002 11:07:
Dear DeneB.... It’s a difficult time for you, I know, because I passed it too.... but you have to be strong and go ahead, suicide isn’t worth it.... I’m sure you’re not a coward, and suicide is a coward solution for the problems, you should face them....
first, try to love yourself, you can try to find gay friends, it helps a lot, i’m sure your friend, the one you told you’re gay, can help you.... maybe, he’ll even go along with you if you want to go to some gay organisation in your town... and try telling you’re gay to some more friends, you never know how people would react.... I got surprised when telling some friends I’m gay....
The boy you love.... you should have to discover what he really thinks about gays.... don’t know, it’s difficult, every situation, every people is different from others.... but, never do anything to lose his friendship.... you should be enough strong and sure when telling him about your feelings, because now his friendship is the greatets gift.
You should never forget you’re the most important person for yourself and you’re your best friend and confident... be sincere with you, so that you can be sincere to the world....
Many people would refuse youand turn their head looking to other side, but, hey!! they are missing it, i’m sure you’re a great guy!!!
be happy and love!!!
Javi.
PS; I’ll be glad mailing to you if you need someone to talk and you want to write (well, another one to talk to.... XDD, luckily there are lots of people here helping!!)
DeneB said on October 2, 2002 15:40:
StillFar said on October 2, 2002 16:36:
DeneB, you’re judgmental. Sounds like the gay scene is all about sex (how can you think that way:)). Sincerely, the thing about meeting other gays wasn’t meant in any sexual way. It just feels good to know that you’re not alone….
Until I was 18, I actually thought that I had to be the only gay in my city. Didn’t talk to anyone, had crushes on the wrong guys, felt depressed and couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Well, it changed! I met other gays, who were very open about their sexuality and made me realize that ‘being that way’ is just as normal as being the other way… If meeting other gays in real life is too much for you at the moment, why not starting some contacts on the net? You can exchange yourself without making yourself vulnerable.
You asked if there’s someone living with a partner. Yes, I do, since almost three years. And you know what, I can’t remember the last time someone made a negative comment about it….
DeneB said on October 2, 2002 17:00:
i’m sorry, StillFar, i didn’t want to be judgmental! you’re right, maybe i just have not enaugh experiences to have a real opinion about it. but what should i do in such clubs for example? i think that would be the solution after i know more about “this” certain boy!???
what’s a crush on the wrong guy? isn’t crush = crush? when i see a gay man on the tv, i think i could hardly fall in love with somebody like that; they seem to be from another world than i.
the boy i love seemes to me sometimes a “little” gay, but he never really “behaved” like somebody from the tv...he was just so “normal” like me. sorry if i’m telling shit, i just dunno...
how did you get to know your boyfriend?
DeneB said on October 2, 2002 17:35:
mhhh...i don’t think so, maybe some kms away. why? do you think i need something? i have the feeling that it needs a little time to realize the situation...although i know it for my whole life. i still get sweaty when talking or even writing about that issue. how does such a group help you?
StillFar said on October 2, 2002 17:44:
I’m working for a group like that...
You’re asking how it can help you? It helps to see other people (most of them your age) go through the same stage of life. You see people who just solved the same problems that you’re still struggling with. Besides that, it’s easier to make friends there than in a bar. It’s very rare that someone who comes to our group stops coming because of not getting anything out of it.
Well, there’s not one way, there are many ways you may take....just suggesting what I think might help!
DeneB said on October 2, 2002 17:57:
thank you for your advise!
my “plan” has been, to tell it 1st to my very best friends, then to the good friends, so they have time to understand me and i hope that then i’m prepared for the rest of the world.
but maybe i should phone such a group just to talk to them or search the web for one near me. one of my teachers/almost friend (kind of psychologist/counselor) is very open-minded, maybe she can help me a bit?
carbon_boy said on October 2, 2002 19:08:
Hi DeneB.
I have to say that you’re ONE LUCKY GUY to have so many people trying to help you/giving you advice.
I live with my boyfriend, its been absolute bliss. I cant imagine my life without him. Weve been together for over a year now, and we’re already talking about buying a house and a new car together. Even having children one day. A gay relationship is like any other relationship. Its just a same sex relationship. Its not just about having sex with a guy, its about so much more. And Im living it, like so many others.
And if things dont happen with this guy you’ve fallen madly in love with, well, look on the bright side: there’s a whole world out there!
Good luck and well done for taking such a big step in your life!
Cheers
PS: Only thing Im not happy with is that you refer to us as: “you gays” - remember, you’re one of “us”. And “we” dont refer to straight people as “you straights”.
DeneB said on October 2, 2002 22:52:
i’m from germany.
yes, carbon, you’re right; i have to face the fact that i’m one of “you gays” - but it’s still so strange for me, like dreaming when you’re drunk ;-))
it’s so nice that so many people try to help me - and they/you really did! this here has changed my opinion and especially my point of view.
you’re so lucky carbon, i’m truly happy for ya!! it’s so great that you can live this life - i hope that one day something like that happens to me but that requires action; maybe i should go out and begin to change something.
one of my biggest wishes has always been to become a dad, but how??? i think i’m not able to have sex with a woman!
DaminehGessle said on October 3, 2002 00:16:
So how many gays are actually in here?
My favourite guy in this world after Per is Freddie Mercury whom was gay or I should better say bisexual. Whenever I talk about him, people comment on how gay he was and that disturbs me. I am very straight but I don’t understand what all the fuss is about! All the males are turning gay :(! What about me then?
poppy_head said on October 3, 2002 14:31:
you’ll have to turn gay, damineh, XDDD
well, actually, step by step, this society has become more open-minded about gays, so that’s why there are more gays now, well, actually, it has always been lots of gays, but they were hidding....
Jackeill said on October 1, 2002 19:20:
i’m not gay but it’s like common situation with girl in whom you have fallen in love and she even doesn’t want to look at you...
hey, gather all energy you can, and say him whole truth! it’s the only way to realize what will happen further, you don’t have any other choice. it’s gonna be good, believe me:).